Annotate that Shit

When I was in ROME I had a CANOE with wooden ORES.

See that sentence?  Yeah, that one, right up there, with all the words and shit.  Yeah, I fucking wrote that.  ME.  Not Stephen “four eyes” King, not John Stick it in Your Updike, not Maya Angeloser — fucking, me.

Impressed?

Yeah, so am I.

But before you get all googly eyed and start looking me up and down (in my new skinny LEVI jeans, btw), I put forth this challenge — that is, if you have the BALLS to do it (which I serously doubt).

Ready for your challenge?  Here it is:

Annotate that shit.

That’s right, I challenge you to muster whatever tiny amount of brainpower you may posess (I’m speaking relative to mine of course), and annotate that fucking amazing sentence up there.  Yeah, that one, up there.  The one that blew your fucking mind (not to mention probably gave you a little tug in that ‘special’ region – it’s cool, it happens to me too).

Seriously, I’d like to see you pull off an annotation of ROME.  Psssssshhhhhhh.   I can’t even fucking imagine the ridiculous bullshit you’d come up with.  Probably some crap about how it was a city, and people lived there and shit.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Well before you go there, let me tell you a little secret — that’s bolognese, all of it.  ALL OF IT.   Forget everything you think you know about ROME (which is miniscule to begin with, I’m sure), and now think about how the fuck you’re going to annotate that shit.    How?  How you going to do it?

Maybe you need a little help?  Fine.

ROME is actually an acronym.  It stands for:  Read Over Monkey Entrails.   That’s right, ROME is an ancient technique of divination derived from gutting and then ‘reading’ the entrails of monkeys.   So before you annotate that shit, find yourself a monkey, a golden hairless bongaroo or something.   Make some sweet love to it – because like anything you’re about to gut for divination purposes, it deserves some luvin’ first – give it a couple peanuts to keep it distracted and — whammo, you got yourself a regular ol’ Tarot.

So if you have any fucking BALLS, any fucking GUMPTION, any fucking PRIDE in anything you’ve ever fucking done in your whole fucking wasted life.   COmplete this challenge, complete this challenge and prove to me that you have what it takes for this job.

What’s that?  You’re not INTERESTED in the job anymore?  Well, fuck you then, I’ll find someone else for it.   FUCK OFF.   This is a tough industry to get into, people are DYING to get into it.   There’s plenty of other Sarah Palin look alikes willing to do anal anyways.

Area Man Uses Butt Joke one too many times…

Seriously, you think I would write an article with that headline? Who do you think I am, Walter Cronkite? Well I ain’t no damn “Cronk-head” and I ain’t gonna write no damn blog with no damn headline like youze got there.

You want a headline? I’ll give you a headline: “Best Writer in the World Thinks of Better Headline”. Now that’s golden.

See, the problem with today’s newsies is that they don’t understand the art of the headline — just like you. First of all, you to have describe the article in the headline. That’s right, let the suckers know just how exciting the story is gonna be. Secondly (2ndly), you have to use provocative words, stuff that really grabs attention. And C, you have to throw in what I call ‘the kill’, that’s where you really hit em right in the gut. So take this headline:

“Fire Kills 30 Children”.

That’s draaaaaaaaab. Drab as fuck. Now apply my rules to it: “Fire is Hot, Sexy, and Ready to Fucking Murder Your Kids”. Now that’s an article people wanna read. Parents would be concerned as shit about reading that article.

Now get back to work and let me know when you’ve finally learned how to write

a good headline….