John McCain Tries One Last Time to Gain Votes
November 19, 2008
In a surprising move, John McCain held a press conference from western Ohio this morning, declaring he was taking a bold stand for the meal of breakfast.
“My friends,” McCain spoke from a roadside Village Inn, “the media and the liberals want you to believe that this election is over, that it has already taken place! What they’re forgetting is that there is an extremely important vote right here in Pennsylvania – the breakfast vote!”
Mr. McCain was then asked to quiet down by part-time manager Jim Harball.
When asked whether he understood that the election had literally already taken place, he simply replied: “Socialist!” Mr. McCain then laid down for what he called a “late nap” in one of the empty booths.
If ever there were a time for the US to have a good ol’ hootin’ hollerin’ regime bust-up, here it is. The military junta in control of Myanmar is reportedly stealing and diverting the aid that has been flooding into the country since the massive cyclone hit.
There are reports of starvation, and estimates that as many as 100,000 people have already died. But it’s unclear what exactly is occuring there as the militant government attempts to control all form of the media. Yes, even iPhones are victim to this regime’s Skeletor like rule.
Mr. Bush, even iPhones.
The people of Myanmar have been led by peaceful Monks into the streets in recent months, and a large campaign in the US is underway to raise awareness about this human rights crisis.
This, Georgy Boy, is where you come in.
Put-on-a your cowboy hat and git yer six shooter, cuz we gonna’ have us a ol’ fashioned regime bust-up!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!
First you won the country back by vowing to stop playing golf while soldiers were dieing in Iraq and now’s your chance to rope us in for good. Not only that, forcing yourself into Myanmar to provide aid might actually do something good in this world –no, no, stick with me on this — when good things happen in the world, you can actually benefit from it! Yes, I understand your mind is probably blown at this point, so just take a minute to digest it.
Yes, I heard your fart. *siiiiiigh* Nevermind.
You Decide 2008: Clinton Questions Intergrity of Obama’s Stool
February 22, 2008
WASHINGTON D.C. — Hillary Clinton held a press conference inside the nearest bathroom to Barak Obama’s D.C. office this morning, claiming that she had evidence of “gross misconduct.”
“We need a candidate with regularity, and as I’m about to prove to you, my opponent’s bowels have failed to produce anything resembling regularity.” Clinton then went on to boast her long time commitment to bran Muffins and broccoli, a notion which potential first husband, Bill, seemed to shudder at.
Clinton then held up a tiny plastic tube.
“In this cylinder lies a sampling that I personally took from Mr. Obama’s stool. A stool which, as you will soon see, was never even properly flushed.” Hillary then opened the stall door behind her to reveal a messy swirl of brown and green, as a barrage of photographers captured the moment on film.
“I hate my fucking life,” Bill Clinton uttered.
“Is this”, Mrs. Clinton questioned, pointing to the toilet bowl, “really any better that what we have in the White House right now? We need a candidate who eats real fiber, and who has a real commitment to prunes!”
Barak countered from Ohio, where he was campaigning: “It is time to let go of prejudice and intolerance in this nation. Except for intestinal intolerance to certain foods and beverages. That’s totally cool.”
New Poll Shows Huckabee Does Not Hate Babies
February 8, 2008
A new poll released today paints Republican Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee in a good and glorious light. Nearly 99% of citizens up and down the east coast agreed strongly with the statement: “Mike Huckabee does not kill babies, at all.” Just under 1% agreed strongly that “Huckabee is a fucking baby killer”, and a fraction of a percent strongly disagreed with the wording of the statement: “I would give birth to a Huckabaybee.”
Huckabee’s new pro-baby stance has been criticized by the McCain camp as false. “It seems strange that right after I was photographed kissing a baby last week, my opponent suddenly finds a place in his campaign for babies. I encourage the babies of this country to vote for someone with real baby solutions for real baby problems”, McCain said in a televised speech.
Huckabee’s campaign fired back, claiming that Mike has been a long time supporter of the baby platform. Aids went as far to claim that Huckabee “should know about babies – he used to be one.” In a speech last Wednesday, Huckabee questioned McCain’s baby-nicity. “He claims to be all about tiny toes and Winnie the Pooh car window shades, and yet he crosses over to the other side, and supports adult things like immigration reform.”
“I say fuck that!” He added.
McCain countered Huckabee’s accusations by stating that he still breastfeeds from his mother’s teat.
It is unclear if the new appeal by both camps to infant voters will have any major effects on the presidential primary race, as nearly 100% of babies across all states are both legally and physically unable to vote.
