Cogratulations, CHO!

Your death has almost got as much media attention as Anna Nicole Smith’s!

Ahoy, Cap’n

Pirates are a proud people, people that pass pints around, pimp women, prop up poles, and pray prawn population polls power pelican poop parties.

Am I right?

If mark foley were a clown, I would take my son far away, but foley would somehow pop up. We’d be looking into a candy store, the window reflecting our plump, naked bodies. Not naked. You, mother, holding my hand. I, with a novelty sized lollipop in hand, licking away with a shirt that’s just barely too short. Then, walking traffic breaks, only for a nanosecond — the universe is expanding inside my shorts I am breaking stones — I am licking furiously the hard popsicle — and there, in the background: At first a clown: The balloons.

No. It’s –

mark foley.

The sunuvabitch crawled up out of his shithole, bought himself a dirty clown suit, made it all the way to DENTON, TX. (cue cheer from inhabitants of DENTON). And now he’s here, behind us, in the window.

I turn, frightened. Hand clenching yours tightly.

no one is there.

Years later, on RTD light-rail, sitting in the middle, where the train actually turns — watching people disappear — glancing to the floor, sticky and dirty from rain: Denver Daily News. On the cover, a picture. 13 dead, murdered by a mad clown. Looking up, I see the same picture, right in front of me, newspaper spread eagled. Methodically, he begins to lower the paper –

it is a man who looks vaguely like mark foley, but is really somebody else. I am mildly annoyed.

BOO-YA! In yer face! O, reader, how you fall so quickly for my blatant attempts to make you think it was going to be mark foley. lol.

Wha’ happened?

My street was roped off last night…that’s right, by the local authorities. Denver police were called to the scene after a woman started shooting at some guy. I think they were in the same house together and they were fighting. I really want to know just exactly what they were fighting about. You must really have to piss off your GF for her to shoot yer ass. Anywho, the street was roped off and the place was crawling with flat foots all day and didn’t leave until 10:30 last night!! It was KRRRAAAAAZeeee! I have no more information to report. That’s all! I said, that’s all. Jesus, why won’t you listen to me? WTF? It’s over, move on! Ok, ok, I get the idea. You want to hear some more? Here’s some more: you are an ass. There, you happy now? What the hell do you want from me?!?! You’ve already taken everything I have; the CDs, the car, the dog, my prized collection of Brazilian coins, my wigs, the tarantula farm, the farm, the boat, the plane, the toilet, the secret plans to invade Cuba, the pooltable, the kids, my book of 101 party favorite jokes, my book of 101 parsley favorite jokes, and my pork loin, which I was going to cook tonight. What else can you take? Not my dignity, you hear me? You’ll never take it, unless you pry it from my cold, dead hands!